How Leah Clearwater learned to Curse
by SimpleHybrid
Summary: Up until the day her heart got broken, Leah was a girl who never cursed. This is the story of how that changed. Read and Review!  UPDATED WITH A NEW DIRECTION.
1. Prologue

Prologue

So, by order of the almighty alpha, who shall most likely be mentioned quite often, as he often does things to piss me off, I am going to write my feelings until I am no longer a "bitter harpy" since I cannot seem to express myself without breaking someone's nose. Who the hell does Jacob think he is anyway? Oh yea, he is the guy that I secretly hate to love but, we will get to that later. Yes its true, I am so messed up that I have fantasies about doing hot and uncontrollable things to a man that 1. Has the hots for a girl that is so completely idiotic that she can't seem to tie her shoes without bursting brain cells. I mean for the girls last name to be Swan, she ain't exactly graceful.

But there is a point to all this babbling that seems to be taking place in this dysfunctional diary that I call my own. The point is that before all of this, the heart break, the betrayal, the wolfing out, the loss of my father and future, and the whole genetic dead end thing, as you can see I'm jaded, I was happy. I was Paula Dean is my grandma and makes me fried Snickers every day, HAPPY! I was gifted and on my way off this reservation. I had Sam, I had a college scholarship to UW. I would teach Emily to bake, where do you think she got her recipes?, and if someone ever said anything rude or even so much as said the dreaded 4 letter words, I was covering my ears and screaming whichever song annoyed me most at the moment. Everything was….. perfect. Then, it all went to hell.

So, if I'm going to do this I'm going to do this my way. This is my story, told my way through the words that have taught me self-expression. This is the story of how I, Leah Michelle Clearwater, learned to curse. Sit back and enjoy.


	2. Bitch

How Leah Clearwater learned to Curse…..

Chapter 1: Bitch

"You Bitch!" Hard to believe that it was the first curse word I could ever think to say. I just rolled off my tongue so easily as I opened my Sam's front door to find him sucking face with Judas of a cousin. If it weren't for Sam I would've probably been saying the words over and over while simultaneously punching her face in. I wanted the bitch dead. I wanted her to know the pain that I was feeling, just in her perfect face instead of the heart that I then doubted she had.

I remember everything about that day. It's the day that completely changed my life and introduced me to a completely new form of bitch, Fate. All the excuses and the pleas for forgiveness. My father pulling out a shot gun on Sam as he tried to come in to "talk things out and explain". Oh, Daddy I miss you so much. I saw where my temper came from when my mother pushed past my father with a cast iron skillet in her hand and the look of hell fire in her eyes. Who knew Sue was such a badass? And Seth, leaning out the window with a BB gun and shooting Sam square in the right cheek. I swear that kid can be down-right scary at times. He is the best brother ever. I bet it took Sam an entire bottle of whiskey, and hopefully a really rusty pair of pliers to pull it out. Maybe it's still there to remind him how much of a pain in the ass he really is.

Emily was no longer the bitch, I was. Literally. I was a walking, panting, tail wagging, vampire eating she-dog; i.e. Bitch. So I figured why not make the attitude match the connotation, and make those who caused it just as miserable. The man who hurt me, the men who seemed to be so anxious to forget that I existed and most of all those freaking leeches that were the root of this problem for the past 5 generations, they would suffer just as I do. What can I say, I'm a glutton for dishing out punishment.

The thing is I don't want to be a bitch. I both dog form and human. I miss the girl I was. She had hopes dreams and plans that involved white picket fences and changing the world. I wanted to do something with my life. But you know what they say about plans and I'm someone up there is having a shit ton of giggles as they more than occasionally fuck up my life. Again, I am jaded. I mean can you blame me? Try having to live out your days watching you once best friend/cousin and ex-lover suck face while he calls her all the names he used to call you. Now imagine everyone making you feel bad for being hurt about it because once again that bitch Fate stepped in and they were simply "meant to be." Meant to be my ass. I suddenly have a need to go break something….

Paul really needs to put some ice on that nose. I think I may have broken it in more than one place. In my defense, he started it when he asked was I permanently having PMS since I can never be and I quote "on the rag" again. I just reminded him that I am saving an ass load of money from having to buy tampons while my fist made contact with his face. That satisfying crunch made everything that was then pissing me off go numb for a few seconds. I kinda felt… better. Or as close as I can get to feeling better. There might be something to this writing thing. Things could be looking up for me.


	3. Chapter 2 Shit

**A/N: If Leah seems a little vulnerable or whiny its because I'm going to progressively make her a bit stronger over the course of the entries. We all know Leah is an extremely strong character but, what if it was just a front to make herself seem less broken. This is meant to read like a diary, and as we all know our diaries are the one place that we can be ourselves. With that being said lets explore all the ways that she can use the word Shit. **

_**SHIT**_

I remember the day my Dad died. It was an unusually sunny day in La Push and I was in a relatively good mood as far as my good moods could be. Mom had made my favorite dinner of fried pork chops and mash potatoes. She even made English peas and those little dinner rolls that you can only find around Thanksgiving. Dad of course was on his third helping and as per usual Mom was yelling at him to watch what he eats because of his high blood pressure, but did he listen, of course not. There was one roll left and Seth was a little quicker on the draw than I was. I remember the rage. It came on slowly at first then it was like all I could see was red; like I could feel the blood course through my veins. "You little shit!" I screamed lunging at my brother across the dining room table. It wasn't long after that that he and I were standing on all fours in my back yard staring at the gaping hole where the kitchen door used to be and our father clutching his chest. "Shit, Shit,Shit!" My father was having a heart attack because my brother decided he wanted the last dinner roll and I wanted to kill him for it. How fucked up is it that the last thing you see is your two children trying to kill each other in the form of wolves the size of small horses? If I know my Fathers sick sense of humor, his last thoughts was probably something along the lines of "Well shit on toast, the legends are true." Insert image of dying Father here. I did that. I killed my Father because my little snot nosed shitty brother was greedy at a meal clearly made for me. I killed my Father because I couldn't control my rage and protect the people who had done everything in their power to help me get over my issues. But most importantly I killed my Father. The man who taught me that a skinned knee is nature's way of saying you took the wrong risk on the wrong day. That boys come and go but Daddy's are forever. Who reminded me every day, no matter how angry I was at the world, that I was his own personal blessing and that he would always be there for me. I guess it's a safe assumption to say that he lied on at least two of those little theories. I miss him and all the different ways he could use the word shit. Shitastic. Shitternutter. Shit on Toast. My all-time favorite, Harry Clearwater personal best, "Son, don't shit on my head and tell me its hail." The man really had a way with words.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if it wasn't for this shit storm created by the walking disaster and her family of plasma vacuums. Would my Dad be on that fishing trip with Charlie and Billy right now? Would my Mom be still refusing to go near his favorite chair and put that newspaper away that he had been reading? Would Seth and I be as close as we are now? Would I be able to smile just to smile and not because I just caused Sam or anyone for that matter some kind of pain? Could I be that Leah that was the apple of his eye again? Harry was my safe harbor. Without him I feel like I'm floating in a tsunami. He would be really proud of Seth though. He full on embraces this wolf thing while I try my damnedist to make sure that everyone knows just how much I loathe the idea of being barren and forever stuck in a world of angst riddled guilt.

As much as I hate to admit it, I feel lighter as I write this. Today I actually laughed a real laugh although no one was around to hear it. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing that a smile, no matter how fake, just doesn't look right on my face anymore. I want to move on and accept my life for what it is and keep the hope that it will all get better. I want to be around people and genuinely feel like they want to be around me. I would love to walk in a room and hear "Hey Leah's here!" instead of, "Oh great, Leah's here…(insert group moan)" . I don't want to be pathetic and sad and stuck on this path of self –destruction, I just want what everyone want, to be happy. I want to love again and feel that pride that comes with being his daughter and the honor I bring to my tribe.

I always marveled at my last name. Clearwater. For the most part and for each family member, it says a lot about our personalities. When Mom is upset you can see it and tell from a slight twitch in her eye. Seth, the never ending joy box that he is, is literally an open book. Their emotions are as plain as day and can be seen through like clear water. Can someone help me clean out the mud so I can clear mine and bring the proper meaning of my surname back please? Well shit. Who knew I had feelings?


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N This has been eating at me for weeks and while I loved my original idea, this was just bothering me so much I had to change it. It still has the original plot and its will not be all flowers and sunshine. In the words of Kevin Hart, "Its about to go down." **

**Jacobs POV**

I woke up this morning with the feeling that something important to me was lost. That unnatural feeling that bothered you in the deepest parts of your soul until it bordered on obsession and left you restless until it was found. I slowly got out of bed and began to wonder what it was that was making me anxious. The keys to my car were where I left them hanging on the nail by my door. My cell phone was on my night stand still charging after an all- night texting battle with Quil over something stupid and easily forgotten. I had left a note for dad to remind him of his pill schedule and I had visited my mother's grave already this week so really nothing was left undone or out of place. I decided that a walk down First Beach would clear my head. There was something pulling me to the cove and as I walk closer I noticed something in the sand gently placed on a rock, the pen still marking the page. It was Leah's journal.

"I knew she would never take me seriously about this. I should have commanded her to do it."

It was then I saw the words on the page. The man in me said "These are her private thoughts and they should be left only to her." But there was that feeling again, that I had to find what was lost. That thought compelled me to read it. "I know I'm gonna to be sorry for this later." The wolf inside me scratched the surface of my skin as I opened the cover to find Leah's handwriting in bold black Sharpie " READ THIS AND DIE." Underneath in the more sinister color of blood red was "(I'm not fucking kidding). "

I chuckled at this. Could she not even let her guard down even when she is alone with her own thoughts? Typical Leah. Couldn't she just deal with everything and get over it like normal people. Hell Bella had chosen Fuckward and I was still reeling but for the most part I found pleasure in my dark fantasies of what it would be like to kill him and finally get the girl. Yea, I'm fucked up but can you blame me. I just chose not to show it like Leah does. I suffer in silence cause we get enough emotional outbursts from the Leah/Sam/Emily not so secret saga. I want her to be happy again.

"Maybe a peek won't hurt."

There are something that you just have to talk yourself out of.

_June 12- Unanswered questions... The quest begins _

_There are thing in this life that you never question. For as long as I can remember my main unanswered question was why there are things you never question. What was the purpose of that saying? Is it to get little kids off your back from asking questions that you have no answer too, or is it the answer to all questions that have no answers? Philosophically it is the perfect conundrum. It never occurred to me that I was the precocious type or even that I was a bit of a cynic. All that I knew was that life was a litany of unanswered questions and the answers that you did have, you often found that you wished you didn't. Like when you're a little girl asking your mother what the hell Tampax is and what a product with that name is used for only to be hit with mood altering craving and cramps that make you pray for the world's most powerful drug. Today I find myself asking this one question that no matter how much I ponder and how many people I ask, I still can't seem to find the answer. Why me?_

_I still can't seem to shake the fact that it happened. Sam left me for my best friend and my father isn't here to pick up the pieces because I murdered him. After years of always being careful and paying attention to my surroundings, I let my guard down only to be crushed by the weight of the bricks in the wall I built as they fell around me. All at once I felt powerful and powerless in the same simple breath. I was elevated to a place so perfect and simultaneously damning that I couldn't see the forest for the trees. It was a blissful sort of torture that was beautiful and cruel without trying to be. It was almost like I had the world in my hand while being crushed by the boot of an angry man. This is what I carry around with me all day. On the one hand, I am powerful, graceful and down-right deadly, while on the other, I am soft, weak, fragile and on the verge of shattering into a million pieces. I had love. I lost it. I had faith. I lost that as well. I am losing myself in a sea of feelings that I try so hard to control and for the better part of worse I am failing. I miss the intimacy one feels when connected to someone and for the life of me the fear of letting someone get that close again terrifies me. I let Sam in and he left me. I embrace my birth right even though it killed the man who gave me life. I follow a man who does not see me as more than a pain in his ass. There are moments when I want to scream for Jacob to touch me and then there are moments when I cringe at the idea of what I would feel. What would he feel? If I allow him in and he leaves me can I pick myself up this time? Could I leave La Push and all its memories and begin somewhere else? Could he love me as I love him? Can I be absolved from all the sins that I have committed and find pleasure in the blessings that I have while thanking the curses that brought them my way. So many unanswered questions. So many questions still not asked. So many feelings still not dealt with. The real me, still not found. Maybe Jacob could find me. Maybe I should try to find myself. The longest journey starts with a single step, but in my case the journey begins with the answer to an impossible question. Why me?_

It wasn't until I finished that I knew what was lost. Leah had lost herself. That means I was losing her. I couldn't let that happen. It wasn't until now that I knew what I felt for her. It had always been there I just couldn't let myself feel it. I have always been there to try to help her through whatever pain she felt even if I got my ass handed to me on a platter. I was her Alpha. She was the only female shifter and yet I was too blind to see what her purpose was. She was MADE for me. It was my purpose to help her. It was my purpose to love her. It wasn't an accident Sam imprinted on Emily, he was Alpha by default not by birth and she was never his. It also wasn't an accident that Bella left me for that parasite and left me with all the love in the world to give and no one to give it to. I saw now that it would never be as easy as breathing because it's not supposed to be. Leah is what makes me a great leader. She pushes me. She tells me when I'm being an ass and when she punches me in the jaw I never have to worry about her breaking her hand. She isn't weak, at least not in the way that she thinks. She is strong and she is beautiful and she is broken and lost and is silently begging me to find her. The wolf inside me howled as if to say "FINALLY THE IDIOT GETS IT". I need to talk to Billy, because if I'm not mistaken I just realized I'm in love with Leah Clearwater.

"Yeah, I'm really fucked up."

NO ONE'S POV

Jacob ran home to find his father sitting on the front porch staring out into the forest in the direction from which he had just come. It was like Billy was waiting on him as he eyed him with a look of peace that his son had finally found the missing piece of his life.

Billy had sat back for months as Jacob silently wallowed in an ill-hidden form of self-pity, but figured that when the time was right the animal that was within his son would cause him to see what has been in front of him all along. In a cedar chest that was stored under his bed was the Book of Chiefs. In it contained the legends of his people and stories only meant for the eyes of the current chief to warn and guide his people in the time of the Wolf. It is written that there will be a time when the Cold Ones would return and there will be a great war. It is in this time a female will take on the role of Spirit Warrior and join with the Alpha to bring forth a generation that will bring an end to this war in a final battle for which the outcome is still unknown. She will be lost and in a time of tragedy and the love that will bond her to the Alpha will be a force that is far greater than that of any imprint.

Billy always knew that Leah had great purpose but pain seemed to follow the poor girl wherever she went. He also knew that Leah was gone. She had come to him that morning and asked him permission to travel to that sacred island where all the chiefs were buried in order to seek guidance for her life amongst the spirits there. He also knew that Jacob would go and find her and finally help her piece together her life and realize her place within the world and within her pack.

"She's gone isn't she?" Jacob asked the question he already knew to be true.

"She left this morning. You knew that already though didn't you."

That look of knowing never once leaving Billy's eyes as he stared at the man who was still a boy in so many ways.

"But I love her. Deep down I think I always have, I just couldn't see past whatever it was I felt for Bella. I have to find her and something tells me that you know where she is."

"She is in the place that all spirits go to find peace Jacob. "

Jacob shifted and took off to that forgotten place that he would one day bury his father. He was going to find what was lost to him and this time he wasn't coming back until he found her, healed her and in his own way found himself.

"Go and find that that was lost to us and bring about that that always was and forever shall be."

The old man smiled and picked up his knife and a log and began to carve. He silently prayed that Leah didn't kick Jacobs ass to much when he caught up to her.

"Hate to be a fly on the wall for that one."

He laughed loudly as the thought of grandchildren ran through his mind.


End file.
